


Anon has a short uncle

by aRavenAndaDesk



Category: Fargo (TV)
Genre: 4chan, Crack, Experimental Style, Gallows Humor, Humor, I cannot stress the satire part enough, Other, Satire, and by that I mean this is just pure shitposting, greentext
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-23 02:15:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13777557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aRavenAndaDesk/pseuds/aRavenAndaDesk
Summary: Years after the events of season 1, Gordo Nygaard shares his story with an online community of his peers.





	Anon has a short uncle

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, some clarification. I guess this won’t make any sense unless you waste as much time browsing the chans as I do. This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever written but it’s been sitting in my laptop for a while so I thought what the heck. Also, I’m positive Noah Hawley lurks 4chan too, hell, there’s got to be a reason why he wrote Gordo like the stereotypical /r9k/ poster with uncanny accuracy. Seriously, this stuff just writes itself.
> 
> All the slurs, spelling mistakes and bad grammar are there for strict realism.

**Anonymous**  10/27/14(Mon)23:17:51 No.592666731

 

Alright guys, here’s my crazy story from middle school. See if you can top it.

 

>be 10 year old me

>literally autistic

>like my parents had me tested for it and stuff

>dad is a huge normie, all he cares about is his car and having a remodeled kitchen and stupid materialistic shit like that

>mom is literal trophy wife but she’s sweet to me and makes me chicken rolls so it’s cool

>uncle (dad’s brother) is insecure manlet who can’t even string whole sentence together without stuttering

>inb4 “but anon you have literal aspergers, it’s not like you can communicate much better you hypocrite”

>uncle is married to fat ugly bitch, when they visit she’s always super condescending to my mom and talks to me very slowly like I’m retarded

>uncle does everything wife says, lets her talk down to him and belittle him in front of people all the time

>he’s clearly mad jelly of dad’s success but is too much of a wimp to do anything about it

>one night aunt is brutally murdered along with local police chief who randomly happened to be in their house, looks like a home invasion

>uncle is found unconscious in the basement with concussion

>he tells cops he doesn’t remember anything because concussion

>yeah right.jpg

>whole thing is shady af, nothing ever happens in this shit boring town so this is huge

>cops investigate but it goes nowhere

 

>a few days later, get home from school

>in the mood for some poptarts and gamecube

>find uncle downstairs, no idea what he’s doing in our house or how he got in

>he’s supposed to be in hospital, I heard he caught some infection in his hand and almost died or some shit

>he’s wearing a hospital gown and rubber boots and I suspect no underwear

>start to think autism runs in my family

>we stare at each other

>really hungry so I ignore him and proceed to get delicious poptart

>go to my room and play Spyro: A Hero’s Tail

 

>next day in school, some kid is being a prick to me

>now I should mention that dad is a huge gun nut, he has a huge collection of guns in the garage but they’re all locked and I’m strictly forbidden from touching them

>I have no interest in guns anyway so w/e

>prick kid at school calls me a potato and tries to steal my DS when I’m not looking

>u wot m8

>jump on kid, we end up fighting like two chickens with ADHD

>my backpack goes flying and spills out all over the floor

>gun comes out

>WTF

>everyone freezes

>school calls the cops, teachers think I’m a psycho and call my parents but can’t reach any of them for some reason

>mom was wearing earphones while cleaning and didn’t hear the phone

>cops raid our house while mom freaks out cause she can’t understand wtf is going on

>meanwhile I’m in the principal’s office trying to explain that I don’t know how the fuck gun got inside my bag

>can’t articulate myself very well due to aspergers so no one believes me

>cops find a hammer with blood on it hidden in the garage

>along with some panties that aren’t my mom’s

>they think its the weapon they used to kill my aunt (they bashed her skull with it)

>cops arrest dad

>they say he and aunt were having an affair and he killed her

>not sure what happened to random police chief, looks like poor sap was in the wrong place wrong time

>dad denies everything

>whole thing makes no sense, why would dad cheat on mom with bitch aunt

>like not even being weird or anything, but mom is objectively a solid 4 points above aunt in both looks and personality

>dumb autistic 10yo me just accepts this version of the events

>some other partially related shit happens but I won’t go into detail because I don’t need any of you faggots to google it and find out where I live

>a year passes

>dad goes to prison

>mom files for divorce

>people in school still think I’m a psycho, both kids and teachers alike

>get put into special needs class

>spend rest of the year playing video games

>mom starts self medicating

>meanwhile uncle remarries some asian lady he works with, opens his own business and buys a bigger house

>you heard it guys, forget about the /fit/ and /fa/ memes, the real way to gain confidence and be successful in life is having your nagging wife murdered

>then SUDDENLY a year later uncle’s SECOND wife gets murdered too

>that’s suspicious.jpg

>a bunch of other shit happens which again I won’t elaborate on

>tl;dr cops find new evidence

>turns out uncle was guilty all along

>apparently he finally got tired of aunt’s shit so he sperged out and smashed her head like a piñata

>still not sure what happened to random police chief

>MFW uncle snuck into our house to plant murder weapon among my dad’s things to frame him

>MFW he put gun in my bag so the cops would search our house

>dad gets released from prison but things are tense between him and my mom

>uncle flees and gets put on a wanted list

>he disappears for a couple of weeks until one day they find him

>he tries to outrun the cops on a snowmobile

>he then tries to run through a frozen lake

>falls through ice and dies

>lmao

>new police chief and some local police lady come to my house to inform us that uncle has turned into a human popsicle and to apologize for all the trouble caused

>mom starts crying

>ask nice cop lady if I get to inherit uncle’s stuff now that he’s dead (he didn’t have any children)

>she gives me crazy look

>go to my room to play video games, mom still crying while nice cop lady awkwardly tries to console her

>dad moves to another state, I see him a couple of times a year like in christmas andfather’s day and stuff like that

>mom gets married again to some guy she met on a dating website

>still see nice cop lady around town

>she always smiles at me like she feels sorry for me but at the same time like she’s afraid I’m going to break into her house at night and murder her whole family or smth

>MFW I’m forever known in town as the crazy almost school shooter because manlet uncle couldn’t get a divorce

 

This is why I hate manlets.


End file.
